Shwashbuckler

J and I realized that guilt is definitely what I am getting hit with the hardest. It just takes me out so fast! I realized that I just feel like I am not doing anything well right now. Like I am spread all over the place, that nothing gets done really well. And, I realized that even though we are all together everyday, (and believe me, as a wife of a firefighter and a boat captain...having him home all the time is a dream), I realized that I miss my husband and I miss my kids. I just feel like there is very few moments of quality "happy" time being spent these days. I am doing my best to read books with the kids and we did some Christmas crafts the other day, but, so much of our day is centered around the hospital outings, preparing to go to the hospital, etc...We can't wait until this phase is done.

J actually got done with his last radiation on Wednesday, and has three more "boosters." We have no clue what that entails, but sounds intense....maybe they just zap the hell out of you during the last three! We hope not. We cannot wait until Friday when he gets his chemo pump taken off. Days like that we always want to go celebrate, then realize he can't eat anything! Hah! We have had another bad string of rough nights and early mornings. Seems like he does get a reprieve in the afternoons for a short while until evening hits. I am still struggling with my emotions towards all of this, and the timing of my PMS truly has shown no mercy on me right now. You would think I have enough...or rather J has enough to deal with right now! He really needs your prayers now more than ever! Hah! It is just more a discipline in holding my tongue and not giving into the irrational irritations that seem to overtake me. Oh well, this too shall pass...

This past Sunday night was the beginning of the horrible string of days, but that night was interesting. J had really weird dreams all that night, and couldn't get the word "Shwashbuckler" out of his head for hours. It just kept repeating itself over and over again. He told me this in the morning, and I quickly went to the computer to google it. I was please to find out the meaning, and encouraged J with my findings. Apparently, a Swashbuckler is a term that came about in the 16th century and was applied to rough, noisy and boastful swordsmen. It came about due to the popularity of the fighting style using a side-sword with a buckler in the off-hand, which was filled with much "swashing and making a noise on the buckler". A swashbuckler will display a strong sense of justice, an aptitude for and enjoyment of fighting, and calmness, class, and wit even during combat. Even today, the romantic appeal of the swashbuckler still endures. So, I told him his dream was very befitting of his fight right now. He is a way more gorgeous Johnny Depp, fighting for justice against the cancer with charm, coolness and class. Well, maybe not a sword...does a speargun count when the worthy opponent is a giant Uhu?



(J's dream interpreted by our Pastor...)

Off hand,

The term swashbuckler refers to someone who is exceptionally independent in fighting, an improviser, and someone who enjoys the fight.

Clockwork orange, by convention, refers to someone who goes through the motions defined for him by somebody else.

The first term refers to zest in the fight. The second term refers to fatalism. The swashbuckler brings joy even to desperate circumstances, the clockwork man just puts in his time. The contrast is instructive.

There is a great scene in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings in which the Riders of Rohan, when battling the dark enemies, began singing during the great battle because the "joy of battle" was upon them. They knew that some of them would die, and that some would live, but the main thing was joy in the battle. This is a more poetic picture of the term swashbuckler, I think.

JS