"Jim STRONG"

My family had made an incredible free range, organic, low sodium, non dairy meal for Thanksgiving, but J was unable to come. Last week, Tuesday through Friday were horrible. We just had a string of tough days and nights, and finally on Friday the pain management doctor suggested trying magnesium citrite. We have been able to reduce J's pain level by using the magnesium to draw more water into his GI tract. It took a few days of fine tuning to eliminate more pain when there was too much water, and curb the original pain of too little water. We had an encouraging weekend, and after feeling like we were somewhat successful, he had a horrendous night last night. J hardly got a break, and my heart broke all over again feeling helpless to do anything to relieve his pain. J was saying this morning, in a frustrated tone, that it feels like we are taking one step forward, then two steps back everytime. I told him, in my best Rudy-Remember-the-Titans-Braveheart pep talk tone, "I don't think it is about being able to track our progress on a daily basis. I mean, what if last night, your body was expelling the cancer and toxins in an aggressive way which is good, but we interpreted that as a set back just because it was so painful? We just don't know what is going on in your body, and the doctors don't either, so we just have to keep on keeping on until the end of this thing. I think it is just the nature of of the cancer that we will never really know what is really going on, and just have to hope for a good outcome. I think it is just one of those trials where you just do your best to stay the course and don't give up. I remember hearing a teaching about tenacity being like a bulldog. Bulldogs have a unique ability to clamp down and lock their jaw, refusing to let go...and breathe at the same time. I think we just have to be like that. We have to just hang on, don't let go...and keep breathing.

J stopped going to work, which I am sure was a conflicting decision for him. I am glad for his decision, and have so much respect for him in choosing not to go. He has such a strong work ethic and drive to provide for us, so I am so grateful he has the wisdom to not just "macho" it out and take the time to heal his body. He has been feeling a bit mentally beaten down at times, and bummed at what we have to go through with this type of cancer. We think is probably the worst form of colon cancer you can get. Just the type is very humbling in its process. But, I keep telling him I am constantly amazed as I watch him continually rising to the challenge. I am just thankful at his willingness, and humility, to allow me to be by his side in in the fight. But, I also think after you have become a mom, nothing grosses you out at all anymore. We come equipped with the natural ability to change a poopy diaper or clean up vomit, and then go right back to eating our sandwich as we start the washing machine with soiled clothes! Hah! But, when you love someone so immensely, seeing them at their weakest or most vulnerable, doesn't ruin that love...it only solidifies it. Which is so encouraging, for all of us with backwards theology, we should remember that even at our worst or weakest state...nothing rattles GOD's love and acceptance of us, and in fact His Love only grows for us even more! How incredibly comforting to have this knowledge when we feel our worst.

J started to have some mouth sores this weekend due to the chemo. At 10pm on Saturday night we had to call the oncologist, and we were instructed to turn off his pump to stop the chemo flow. We went in first thing on Monday morning, and were told that the mouth sores are just an indication of what is going on inside his body...that the sores are probably all down through his GI tract. This made sense to us because J kept saying, "I am having intense burning, like someone pouring salt on a cold sore, but inside!" How horrible! And, today we realized that the sores are also present on the exterior as well, which adds to the horrible, ongoing pain. But, again he is such a trooper, and I have started to tell him a quote off of the blog comments our cousin Dave posted, "You are doing great! Jim strong! Mere mortals would have folded days ago!"