NO Tunnels

Okay...no tunnels.

This morning I woke up with it already being hard. Most of the time I am pretty steady, but then there are days that pop up where it all just gets to me..today was one of them. I woke up just feeling really anxious. I almost could see the ball of static suspended in front of my stomach leading me through the morning. Just slightly preceding me...sending out little zaps, like on a broken television, and me being uncontrollable in my verbal snips. I woke up just feeling like we have no idea if we are making any progress at all. And my fear is that if the chemo and radiation isn't shrinking the tumor, than J is worse off than when we started because of the toll it has taken on his body. And all the natural, alternative things we have been doing may be cancelled out due to the traditional treatments we are undergoing. I also think our culture is one that always looks for progress being made. Looking to see if we are moving forward, gaining momentum, and successfully accomplishing our desired goals. We pride ourselves on progress and breakthrough. And I think at this point because we, and the doctors, are without any indicators of progress or breakthrough on any level left my heart frustrated and fearful this morning. But, I helped my heart as we left for the library. I apologized to J and the kids, acknowledging my bad mood, and purposed to enjoy the day as best I could. After a good time cruising with a close girlfriend and her kids after story time, I thought, "Hmmmmm...maybe there IS no tunnel. Maybe it is not about moving forward per se, but just staying still...in the wait...just 'being'."

I thought about the battle in 2Chronicles 20. Jehoshaphat was informed that a great multitude of people were coming to basically slaughter them. He of course was fearful, and gathered his people together to ask GOD for help. The Lord said this: "Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s...you will not need to fight this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you."

When Jehoshaphat gathered his people together, "Now all Judah, with their little ones, their wives, and their children, stood before the Lord.", I could sense the vulnerability they must have felt waiting on a response from GOD. The overwhelming, unknowing of how their lives will all turn out. I feel like we are standing like that with our kids sometimes...and I think as wives and mothers, one of our deepest fears is losing our husbands in battle...But, then GOD's response, in the midst of that fear, is beyond amazing. He responded like He was saying, "No worries..I got this one covered." And, He did! They set people in front of the army to praise and sing, and when they did GOD set ambushes against their enemies and defeated them all.

So, now I don't think we are in the middle of a tunnel trying to make it out to the other side. I think we are out in the open...vulnerable and exposed in the battle...but what keeps us from getting annihilated is, of course GOD's covering of grace, but the gathering of people (our amazing family, friends, children and families) surrounding us. I was talking to a girlfriend tonight, and we were saying how great this blog has been. It is not only serving as a form of therapy for me, but it has created community. Community for all of us going through this TOGETHER...persevering and gathering together in battle to fight for J. We really do feel surrounded at this time.


So, now that we have established, there is no tunnel....just ourselves joined TOGETHER, I now have the images of Braveheart in my mind. I want to be like that one battle where all Wallace's men are lined up facing the well organized, well dressed and orderly English army. Wallace's "boys", all scrappers and trash talkers (we have our own, but I don't want to mention any names, uh, Bruce, I mean...), come with their faces painted, homemade weapons and fierce passionate hearts ready to fight. Then, just before the battle breaks into action, they drop their weapons, turn around and wave their bare okoles (Hawaiian word for backside) at their enemy like, "Bring It On!!" I see us like that, raw and vulnerable, but mocking the cancer saying, "You have NO place here, so GET OUT!" Like that one crazy Irish fighter...."This is MY island!" Hah! At college, I remember learning in my Asian history course about the Mongols invading China. When they went into battle they wouldn't wear heavy metal armor, but shirts made of thin silk. They had learned that they were able to move more freely in them, but most importantly, when the enemy's poisoned arrows penetrated their skin, the silk acted like a barrier around the arrow. Thus, the poison was absorbed, and they were able to extract the arrow head in its entirety and not be affected by the wound. This vulnerability in battle allowed them to be great warriors.

I think in this journey, it is important for our hearts to stay in that vulnerable place and not get hardened. I know we often fight off the temptation of asking how and why did this happen to J. We know there is a life lesson to be extracted from all this this...we just haven't tapped into what that specifically is yet. But, we are happy that these are J's last nine days of chemo and last eight days of radiation! J continues to gain my respect as he continues to battle through the pain and discomforts, but he is definitely my strong "William", being stretched to his limit before the crowds, and still yelling, "Freeedom!"