Hanging In There

"We are hanging in there..." This particular phrase has become an irritation to me. Despite the irritation, I find that J and I use it every time people ask us how we are doing. It just lends to a despairing and vivid image of our fingernail tracks scratched into the side of a cliff, as we are left helplessly dangling, ready to fall downward at any second. Yes, that is how we feel at times, but still I do not like that phrase, so if anyone has a better response, let me know.

We are in the last week of chemo and radiation. Going to the hospital on Friday was difficult, both physically and emotionally. Two women came up to us in the chemo office at separate times. The first just spoke to me and said, "I am sorry about your husband. He is so young." She had a very genuine look to her as she pushed her very old mother into one of the rooms. Then, outside the office, another woman stopped and looked at J strapping on his chemo pack and said, "God Bless you, I had one of those." I told J, I think people can see it on our faces today how hard it is. I realized that we have hit a point where the surrealism and the shock has worn off, and we are standing in the midst of our "new reality." What J said is so true..."My life has been changed forever." He has been the encouraging one to me now, as my idealist brain has had trauma trying to cope with this new life. I told him in the beginning I felt like the head cheerleader on top of the pyramid cheering him on. Now, I feel like the bottom left one on the corner of the pyramid feeling the weight of the others piled on top of me with my knees digging into the hard ground. I guess I never thought of this as changing our lives forever. I really and truly thought this would all be over in a few months, and we could get on with our lives.

This morning, J told me the scary realization he had in the middle of the night..."I realized that all these medicines are slowly killing me. That's what it feels like." My heart sank once again hearing that. I know I have been really struggling the past how many days, and each day it has gotten harder and harder for me. I have been feeling like I have been such an unsupportive wife. I feel like I have used up all my pep talk. And, now when I try to encourage him with my words, I almost feel like I am lying to his face because I'm not even encouraged by my own words right now. Last night J and I were talking about contentment, and I realized that I have none right now. I have been so focused on the future...just telling myself " Things will be better in March. Yes, things will be better after this is all over." I know that I have been such an unsupportive wife because I have not been "present" for the last how many days. I am still here everyday, making his shakes, sitting with him, and everything...just not HERE. And, I have been asking the questions, "Is it possible to be content with where we are at right now?" or "Do I even need to find contentment for these circumstances?" I realized, that for me to be present right now is just too painful. I don't want him to feel like I am abandoning him, but to be present has become so difficult I feel like I can't even breathe at times. So, I know J has felt me being distant, and I keep trying to get back to where I was a few weeks ago cheering him on, but at this moment all I can muster up is just to be around with very little to say.