Attitude to Gratitude
I know that is the theme that many have been reminding me to be at...a place of thankfulness. I could barely get through the poem posted about it. Honestly, I am usually a very thankful person, and when our kids get whiny I always tell them, "Change your attitude to gratitude!" But, I just can't get there right now. My mom did say that Brad's comment did say on 'good' days he was able to be thankful...and we just haven't had one yet. So true. So, being in this place is very unfamiliar territory to me. And, I know it would completely change my soul, stamina and perspective to be thankful...but I can't get there. I feel like it would break me. It is almost like I could care less about everything as I look around. Nothing seems to matter...like I would trade almost anything, to not be going through this. I don't necessarily want things the way they were, the present reality is horrible, and the future is so uncertain...but I am thankful for the closeness that J and I have as we are drawing together once again...and that my PMS has seem to subsided. Well, I am sure J is more thankful for that one! :)
I was talking with some girlfriends, and one of them said, "It is such a beautiful love story." It took me a little by surprise just thinking that the details of our days don't always seem so beautiful or lovely, but I knew what she meant. We were talking about how so many spouses must leave in times of crisis despite the vow "in sickness or in health". I remember thinking about this during a message at church about a month ago. The teaching was about "hitting the wall," and I was thinking about how when people give up and say, "I don't need this!" and walk away. I realized I could never walk away like that. I could never walk away from GOD because even though I don't 'need' this...I do need HIM. And, the same for J, I could never leave him during this because I do NEED him. Our Pastor just said last night, "A life with GOD is desperately difficult, but turnsout good in the end. A life without GOD, I just wanna quit right now." Another friend I ran into asked me where J was. I said, "Didn't you hear?" When I told him about the cancer, he said, "Oh, I thought you were going to say divorce. I don't know what's worse, divorce or cancer?" I immediately responded with a laugh, "Divorce!" I think about not being together, and that is more devastating to me than all that we are going through. Even though one of the chemo nurses hurts for us as she sees us every week, I can't imagine being in her shoes with her husband away in Iraq. We really have found how much we NEED and cherish each other in our marriage. J keeps telling me he can't do this without me, and I feel the exact same way. Yes, I am giving tirelessly giving, but he is giving to the battle equally. His strength alone helps me do what I am able to do.
Despite my struggle toward gratitude, J is actually in a very thankful place. He has now lost over 35 lbs, but boasts killer washboard abs! He has been inhaling tons of books. He read three Lance Armstrong books, and just finished reading about the guy who cut his arm off with a pocket knife after being pinned under a boulder. I can see how J's spirit can relate to these amazing men and their triumphant victories amidst adversity...he is one of them! My sister and I have had this ongoing joke that began from one of those questionaire-pass-it-on emails. One of the questions was, "If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one thing, what would it be?" My answer has always been, "Jimmy." He is one of those guys who would build us a tree house, make a fire to cook the fish he caught, and design a boat to paddle us back to civilization. So, I guess...even though we are somewhat on our own "desert island," I am grateful I have J with me, and I am not alone in this. That's a start.
I was talking with some girlfriends, and one of them said, "It is such a beautiful love story." It took me a little by surprise just thinking that the details of our days don't always seem so beautiful or lovely, but I knew what she meant. We were talking about how so many spouses must leave in times of crisis despite the vow "in sickness or in health". I remember thinking about this during a message at church about a month ago. The teaching was about "hitting the wall," and I was thinking about how when people give up and say, "I don't need this!" and walk away. I realized I could never walk away like that. I could never walk away from GOD because even though I don't 'need' this...I do need HIM. And, the same for J, I could never leave him during this because I do NEED him. Our Pastor just said last night, "A life with GOD is desperately difficult, but turnsout good in the end. A life without GOD, I just wanna quit right now." Another friend I ran into asked me where J was. I said, "Didn't you hear?" When I told him about the cancer, he said, "Oh, I thought you were going to say divorce. I don't know what's worse, divorce or cancer?" I immediately responded with a laugh, "Divorce!" I think about not being together, and that is more devastating to me than all that we are going through. Even though one of the chemo nurses hurts for us as she sees us every week, I can't imagine being in her shoes with her husband away in Iraq. We really have found how much we NEED and cherish each other in our marriage. J keeps telling me he can't do this without me, and I feel the exact same way. Yes, I am giving tirelessly giving, but he is giving to the battle equally. His strength alone helps me do what I am able to do.
Despite my struggle toward gratitude, J is actually in a very thankful place. He has now lost over 35 lbs, but boasts killer washboard abs! He has been inhaling tons of books. He read three Lance Armstrong books, and just finished reading about the guy who cut his arm off with a pocket knife after being pinned under a boulder. I can see how J's spirit can relate to these amazing men and their triumphant victories amidst adversity...he is one of them! My sister and I have had this ongoing joke that began from one of those questionaire-pass-it-on emails. One of the questions was, "If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one thing, what would it be?" My answer has always been, "Jimmy." He is one of those guys who would build us a tree house, make a fire to cook the fish he caught, and design a boat to paddle us back to civilization. So, I guess...even though we are somewhat on our own "desert island," I am grateful I have J with me, and I am not alone in this. That's a start.
posted by GODisgood at 9:53 AM
1 Comments:
I just read this and thought of you. It's the December 12th entry in "The Joy in Loving" by Mother Teresa.
"If you have a sick or lonely person at home, be there. Maybe just to hold a hand, maybe just to give a smile, that is the greatest, the most beautiful work."
This, coming from a woman who devoted her entire life to serving and caring for others, is quite powerful. She gives no elaborate instruction, no fluffy advice, but simply... be there. And you are.
Jimmy, I hope the medication has allowed the pain to subside and that you can enjoy longer "moments" of comfort. While you read about Lance Armstrong and others, we read this blog, about YOU and your amazing strength and endurance. You're the man, Jimmy!!
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