Strength

I am finding we are so much stronger than we think...and not necessarily in a good way. People have said, and I am sure their intentions were to be encouraging, "You are so strong!" But, mostly I don't feel strong, especially when after our surgeon told me the news about J and all my "strength" went hurling into the toilet along with my tears. But, what I am discovering is how our true nature won't back down, surrender, or yield to weakness even when we could benefit from it. I have watched my grandparents pass away at their bedside, and even in the last hours, it is amazing how the body, on its own, fights to still exist...fights to breath until the very end. So, even if we want to stop, it is impossible in a natural way to do so. And, it is not like even if we quit all the things we are doing that J would die tomorrow from the cancer. So, we are forced to keep going, keep moving forward and hope for a time when everyday does not seem to be dictated by the hope of a longer future together.

So, I am looking for that fine line of letting go but still actively fighting to lay down upon and rest. But, maybe it's not a line I should be looking for at all. Because the effort it requires to place myself on that line could make surrendering an impossible feat with my true nature. That action in and of itself would give accolates to my persisting pride. And, GOD is not difficult. He never requires the impossible from us to be done. So, maybe it IS like the ocean, summers at Waimea, a sea of constant and unending grace to fall into and let GOD take over. So, maybe this place isn't a place per se, but a knowing and a trust to fall into and believe we will be held. Like the irony of the song, which my girlfriend shared her revelation about the song with me, "Oh no, You never let go...every high and every low...Oh Lord, You never let go of me." That we truly cannot let go, until we totally believe that GOD will not let go of us.To give into the tiredness, to let myself hit the wall...I am trying to embrace that idea and not be afraid of what will happen. And, I know I am not indespensible, even to my husband and children, it is more the fear of things not turning out the way I want it to despite my efforts. But, that too must be surrendered.

Actually, my biggest effort right now is getting J to rest. He has been so active since the day we got home from the hospital. It is so great to see him up and around all day, but I cannot stress the importance of a good nap or just some daily quiet down time for his body. He has done many projects around our home, built the most beautiful pune'e (Hawaiian day bed), and takes daily drives. And, as much as I love seeing him so mobile and productive, it pains me when his body can't keep up and then he suffers later for it. I get that after basically being in treatment and bed rest for how many months, it must feel so good to be working around our home again. His strength has been astounding through this whole time, but I also shared with him about needing to yield and let his body heal. I told him, "You have this incredible STRENGTH...this amazing ability to just mentally push your way through horrible, painful and hard things. And, without that I really don't believe you would have made it this far through all of this. But, at some point that "strength" can work against the healing. Because you are so "strong" and hard, because you have to be, that may counteract the healing that is trying to take place. I think at some point you have to yield and surrender and allow the healing to flow. And, the more we surrender the faster the healing will come..." This is such a difficult thing for both of us to do. J being such a hard working person, and myself never wanting to give up, makes the act of surrendering seem impossible. But, again...GOD never requires the impossible from us, we just need to trust there is such a place to fall into and we will not be let go.

"Here in a personal world,
You make everything so easy to have and hold and it holds you--
Take an impossible girl and make everything okay,"
~ "Allison's Dreaming" song by Jordan & Sonya Seng



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