Gripped For A Miracle

J got throught the surgery well. They were able to put the stent in and save his right kidney. He came out of surgery in a lot of pain, but is now managed well with the right meds and dosages. He has already been up walking around and slowly started liquids today...

J's surgeon was also able to reroute the blockage in J's small intestine. But, when they opened J up our surgeon said there were tumors everywhere. He said it was like salt had been sprinkled all over and the individual grains grew and then connected to each other to form a sheet over everything. He described it like frosting on a cake...some areas were thick where the tumors were larger and built up, and other areas were thin like a sheet. He said they are unable to remove cancer like this and closed J back up. The tumor were the reason for the blockage because it had grown and smothered that one area of J's small intestine and restricted the flow. The tumors were also the reason for the abnormal scan because they were covering everything from view. J's surgeon said the cancer must have been in J's system already when they removed the first large tumor in the end of January. He said it is so shocking that the cancer has grown so fast since it hasn't even been three months.

We are shocked and devestated, but thankful we know. We do not regret going to Texas because J is so much stronger now. And, this seems like this would have happened no matter what because while we were in Texas it was the time that J wouldn't have had chemotherapy anyway. We do not know what we are going to do at this point, but we are looking at all options so J can enjoy his time, see the people he loves and continue to fight until he no longer can.

Last night, we we lay in J's hospital bed holding each other and weeping, it was the first time I said, "This is unfair." I know that GOD has a plan for all this, but I cannot see how that plan could not have J in our lives. J used to bring me beautiful shells from his dives after work. We would play this game where he held his two fists out in front of me and I had to guess where my surprise was. I always shocked J by guessing correctly EVERY time. After the twentieth time, I finally offered to share my secret to my perfect score. I told him that he always, ever so subtley, gave it away by holding the shell in his hand a little tighter than the hand that was empty. I always knew where my treasure lay by his excitement that showed in his gripped fingers and whitened knuckles. I believe that GOD's hand is like this as we wait for our miracle. His mighty hand is gripped and steady around the healing. Yes, we are heartbroken, but pressing on and praying for the release of GOD's miracle. We trust GOD, in His perfect time and perfect way (Psalm 18:30), and know He will save us from this no matter what. But, we am prayerfully hoping His plan is for healing...for here, and for now.