Skewed Time
Hospice came and met with us yesterday to evaluate J. The blockage is still the major concern, and at this point we are just working to minimize the symptoms and pain for J. But, they have provided the right pain meds and adjusted the dosages, and J has been pretty comfortable yesterday and today. J is not really taking much in my mouth due to the blockage, but he did enjoy, for the first time in months, an icy popsicle. He said it tasted like heaven. I privately asked our hospice nurse what kind of time we are looking at. It is hard because on the days J feels good, it seems like he is just going to come out of this. I still find myself all the time expecting him to sit up out of his chair and be completely fine! But, on the bad days he says he is praying to be released from all this suffering and for GOD to take him. The nurse said that since he is young, has not lived out his life, and his heart is so strong...we are looking at two months at best. And, I am not sure how much of that time in the end will J be heavily sedated and we are just waiting for his heart to stop.
Time is such a skewed thing. The past ten months have felt like it has gone by in a blink, and yet it still seems to have dragged on in agony. At the beginning of chemo and radiation, six weeks seemed so long and yet in the midst of it the weeks seems to engulfed by the increasing pain. So, when I told J what the nurse projected in terms of our time left, he put my hand on my shoulder and said, "How does that make you feel?" My heart was quieted thinking, "He is asking ME how it makes ME feel? How does it make HIM feel?" But, I think that compassionate and protective response to his life is just a reflection of the guarded peace that is in J's heart and spirit. And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7 Amplified Bible).
I looked across at the wall, feeling the words scratching the top of my throat as I began to speak, "I think that two months sounds like so long to have good days to spend together. But, at the same time, when I think about only having eight weeks to be with you compared to the rest of my life...it is too short." My girlfriend said it's like "time feels compressed" for us right now. It has actually felt like that for some time now. We can almost feel its invisible boundaries constricting, thickening the air around us, leaving us feeling breathless and distorted. Then, it dissipates leaving us grasping for something to hold onto. It is like one of those long, confusing nights where you keep waking up in the dark thinking it is a lot later than it is. And, when you keeping looking at the clock, time seems like it is moving so slowly and the anticipation of morning makes sleeping a tiring effort. You're just waiting for the break of daylight to come. And, once again, I am still trying to surrender to this surreal time of waiting. It is a strange feeling to wait for some kind of absolution and to not know in what form it will present itself. It is like we are waiting for J to live or to die. Waiting for the incredible miracle or the glorious death. And, I have realized I play no part in either outcome, but to just wait and see what GOD will unfold. That in itself has been extremely difficult for my brain to move close to. I still feel the urge to keep researching, pushing and trying to give life to his weakening body. But, I am also purposing to prepare, be still and be as real with what I am feeling. We are just absorbing our time together as a family, and mentally preparing for either outcome.
J is not up for seeing anyone, but postings and emails are always welcomed. Thank you for continuing to journey with us and surround us with your support.
Team JIMSTRONG Match Fund Contributors
Eric Waters
Lee & Veronica Lamb
Cindy Kahumoku
Maura Shannon
Merle Higa
Breeze Hawaii
Randy & Susie Roth
Glen & Carol Hayashida
Time is such a skewed thing. The past ten months have felt like it has gone by in a blink, and yet it still seems to have dragged on in agony. At the beginning of chemo and radiation, six weeks seemed so long and yet in the midst of it the weeks seems to engulfed by the increasing pain. So, when I told J what the nurse projected in terms of our time left, he put my hand on my shoulder and said, "How does that make you feel?" My heart was quieted thinking, "He is asking ME how it makes ME feel? How does it make HIM feel?" But, I think that compassionate and protective response to his life is just a reflection of the guarded peace that is in J's heart and spirit. And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7 Amplified Bible).
I looked across at the wall, feeling the words scratching the top of my throat as I began to speak, "I think that two months sounds like so long to have good days to spend together. But, at the same time, when I think about only having eight weeks to be with you compared to the rest of my life...it is too short." My girlfriend said it's like "time feels compressed" for us right now. It has actually felt like that for some time now. We can almost feel its invisible boundaries constricting, thickening the air around us, leaving us feeling breathless and distorted. Then, it dissipates leaving us grasping for something to hold onto. It is like one of those long, confusing nights where you keep waking up in the dark thinking it is a lot later than it is. And, when you keeping looking at the clock, time seems like it is moving so slowly and the anticipation of morning makes sleeping a tiring effort. You're just waiting for the break of daylight to come. And, once again, I am still trying to surrender to this surreal time of waiting. It is a strange feeling to wait for some kind of absolution and to not know in what form it will present itself. It is like we are waiting for J to live or to die. Waiting for the incredible miracle or the glorious death. And, I have realized I play no part in either outcome, but to just wait and see what GOD will unfold. That in itself has been extremely difficult for my brain to move close to. I still feel the urge to keep researching, pushing and trying to give life to his weakening body. But, I am also purposing to prepare, be still and be as real with what I am feeling. We are just absorbing our time together as a family, and mentally preparing for either outcome.
J is not up for seeing anyone, but postings and emails are always welcomed. Thank you for continuing to journey with us and surround us with your support.
Team JIMSTRONG Match Fund Contributors
Eric Waters
Lee & Veronica Lamb
Cindy Kahumoku
Maura Shannon
Merle Higa
Breeze Hawaii
Randy & Susie Roth
Glen & Carol Hayashida
posted by GODisgood at 1:55 AM
8 Comments:
Rem & Jim,
I'm thinking of you & praying for you.
love,
Hillary
Still standing with you! =) Thinking of you and praying as always! We love you guys!
Karlene
Jim and Remle....My heart is so full of love for you two and it aches at the suffering that you are having to endure. You are in our prayers. Remle you were such a friend to my daughter when she lived in Hawaii. I've visited your page through Abby Vara's page. Please know that as Aaron and Hur held up Moses' arms in the fight against Amalek - we are lifting you in prayer before our glorious God and King's throne. We ask for His mercy, love and grace in abundance to be poured out on you, His mighty strength and power to be showered upon you and that you will know His presence with you as you take this journey. May the light of His love always lead you and may He hold you in His everlasting arms to meet your every need. God bless you and your precious family. Love to you both from a sister in Christ in Houston, Texas.
Barbara
Rest Jim. You have accomplished so much, and you should be forever proud.
Your life, and the way that you have insisted on living it, has been remarkable. You stand as an example of what a family man should be.
You really have accomplished so much.
My father once told me
"through arduous journey, comes soulful completion"
You journey has been more than arduous to say the least. Prayer be with you.
Jason Heath
Janine Moy
Remle......my thoughts and prayers to Jim, you, and the children. Through God and family, may you be blessed with strength, love, and peace. Cousin Kendall
Jim, can't believe the last time we saw and talked to each other was at my wedding. It has been too long. But you have been in my thoughts and prayers for the past year, ever since Rem called me to ask about colitis as I was boarding a plane. It never occurred to me at that time that this is where you would be today, and I'm so truly sorry you have had to endure so much. Although I never got to hang out a lot with you guys over the years, I just want you to know that you have touched my life immensely, as well as friends and family whom I've shared this blog with. Reading your journey brings back a lot of suppressed emotions and memories of my own journey of losing my mom to cancer at such a young age. Unlike you, I was very bitter towards God and headed towards a very sad and empty life for years. Rem and Jim, you are both an inspiration to me. I still dream about my mom at night and she tells me how happy she is in Heaven. I am making the most of this life to make her proud and b/c I know with full absolution that I will see her again, and when I do, I will never have to say goodbye. It's that hope that keeps me going, and I hope it will do the same for your family. Jim, I'm not exactly sure what God has in store in the next few months, but I am praying for the calming and still peace that only God can give, to you, Rem, and the kids. We love you very much.
Christina & Ryan
Dear Rem and Jim,
in Feb.2006 I came to Oahu to leave the Boston cold and darkness behind and fill the terrible void that my husband's death to cancer had left, with sunshine and with the warmth that only friends can give. To see Brad, Rachael and her parents as well as Reggie, Kanani and her parents was like a home coming. When my daughter Toni (one of Rachael's college roommates) and her husband Kevin with baby Leni came to visit, we had a wonderful party at Rachael's and Brad's place, where I met Rem, Jim, Mia and Levi("brother"!)...
Amidst the crushing sadness and the helplessness that grips me too, I am holding on to the joy and laughter that I associate with that evening. Jim, Rem,how I wish I could turn back the clock and return you to that day, when life was simple and pleasurable.
May HE, who gave you this burden, also continue to give you the strength to shoulder it.
With deep love
Jutta
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