Like A Ton of Bricks

"The best way out is always through" ~ Robert Frost

Hospice came into our home yesterday. My sister is very well connected in her line of work with end of life care, so everything was expedited to provide us the best care available in our home. J asked his mom yesterday, "Is dad upset that I am giving up?" When he told me about the conversation, I told him, "Baby, you are not giving up...you are being brave."

"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it." ~ Thucydides

I think this is where J is at...being brave with the clearest vision of what is ahead of him and embracing what GOD will do. Last night we were talking in the loft before we fell asleep, and he said, "This just isn't real. That is the thing...none of this feels real." I agreed and said, "But, maybe that is a good thing, you know? Like because none of this ever felt like this is real to us what is ahead will just hit us like a ton of bricks. But, for you that ton of bricks will be incredible. For me, it will be hard, but knowing how incredible it will be for you will make it easier on me to get through it."

We had a hard early morning. At 130am J's pain was horrible, and the pain meds he now is receiving through IV were not enough. We added oral pain meds on top of the IV meds and it still was not bringing any relief. At 330am he began vomiting. Hospice and our pain doctor doubled the IV dosage, and ordered anti-nausea medicine for J. As he sat on the edge of the bed he told me, "Honey, if I should not wake up at any point know that I love you, love you...this has not been easy and you have done a great job. This is not your fault. And, you are going to be okay."

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear" ~ Ambrose Redmoon

I cannot be afraid for myself or the kids, because the judgment that something else is more important is that J is no longer suffering and in pain anymore. I realized that most times when I break it is fear motivated because I am afraid of living our lives without J there to take care of us. But, when he told me I am going to be okay, I agreed because I know I have GOD to fill that place where I only feel secure with J. And, I know that is ultimately where I need to be. J is just the only person on the planet that makes me feel safe and secure. He has just been the only person I know that can protect and save me from anything, yet understands my scared, little heart. Our daughter is the same way, and J is the only person we both feel completely safe with. In Texas, we went ice skating as a family in an indoor rink at the mall. She kept on getting scared when I was holding her by the arms and wouldn't skate with me thinking she was going to fall. She finally stopped and said, "It's better with Daddy." I instantly knew it was because she felt safe with him, like I always do. J never complained about my getting scared all the time. He always just came alongside me, took my hand, and led me through wherever we needed to go. I remember recognizing this at the beginning of our marriage how safe I felt with him. One summer, we had paddled out to the Mokulua islands off of Lanikai with a bunch of friends. We spent the day playing in the water and on the beach. In the afternoon, we all decided to hike around the back of the island to jump off the rocks and swim. To get to the back of the island, we had to climb and maneuver around the rocks over the water. Everyone was charging ahead climbing and laughing. I was way in the back hesitating with each step, cautiously making sure each footstep was planted correctly until I committed my weight to leap to the next landing.I remember looking up and realizing that everyone was way ahead of me. I was trailing so far behind, and felt a slight panic to hurry and catch up, but too afraid to proceed any faster. But, then I saw J up on a rock above and heading back to me. It was then I felt safe knowing he was there in the back with me. J climbed and explored all around me, but kept coming back checking on my snail pace and making sure I was progressing safely. He never complained how slow I was going or how painfully cautious I was being. He just enjoyed himself climbing everywhere, gave me a hand when I was too scared to make the jump, and kept me safe until we were back on the beach on the other side.

But, in this scenario of our lives, as we have been maneuvering around the rocky shore, feeling the cold spray of the waves hitting our feet as we cling to the hard, rough lava rock walls J cannot come along side of me and take my hand. It would be a beautiful thing to see our miracle, but if not...I must be brave and let him go resting in the hope I will be okay and feel safe again.

"HOPE is some extraordinary spiritual grace that GOD's gives us to control our fears, not to oust them."
~ Vincent McNabb

"Hope is when we trust our future, into GOD's hands, even when things are less than ideal."
~ Hope from the devotional Soul Matters