Sitting In Peace
We met with J's surgeon the other day for his six-week follow up. We informed him that we think J may be growing another blockage. We have had on going hard nights and painful days, and J can barely take anything by mouth at this point. We can now see and feel a golf ball size lump in J's lower abdomen. It is scary to actually be able to see a growing mass beneath his skin. J's surgeon said surgery is not a possibility at this point. It would be too dangerous, and J would most likely not make it through the operation. He urged us again to look into chemo. We both felt like if there was some assurance or confidence that chemo would cure J, then we would go for it. When we saw his oncologist, we really thought we were going in to hear the different options of chemo treatments that would save J. But, instead he said the two main goals of chemo would be to extend life and minimize symptoms. As I wrote down his words on my notepad, it hit me..."So, you mean chemo would NOT be for CURE? It would just be to buy time and hopefully lessen the blockage to minimize pain and symptoms..." He said yes, and for the first time I felt a part of my hope deflate inside my heart and sink into my stomach giving me a sick, heavy numbness. I looked down at my notepad and swallowed hard to contain my tears for J.
"I'm desperately wanting
To just find a way
I'm searching and seeking
For someone to say
That it's all right
And it’s okay
Like I know you can
That it’s all right and it’s okay
Like I know you can
You alone are God
I am yours and you're mine
And I know the heavens will call out your name if I don't"
"You Alone" song by Echoing Angels
We have spent that last two days discussing the option of chemo, setting up Hospice, and getting our affairs in order. We sat in our loft last night talking about the kids, our lives and finances. J said that he was not ready to go yet. He just wished he could be of more use here than with GOD...then he asked, "Do you think GOD would take me because of that?" I emphatically and loving said, "Never. Think of the great martyrs who were taken. I think you would be a sacrifice for greater good. Think of parents who have lost children, but then many people come to know GOD or find healing or encouragement because of the testimony it brought. We don't know GOD's greatest plan for all this and how your life will be used." As my girlfriend has said..."We don't get to choose the way He brings glory to Himself." It is like an invisible ripple effect, where the movement is only evident in people's hearts, and the results are seen in the unfolding of blessed lives. J said he finally has everything he's wanted, a nice house, the greatest jobs, a perfect family, awesome truck, etc...and now he is leaving. I told, "But, a year ago that is not how you felt. You worked too hard, the house wasn't the way you wanted it....I don't think those things changed...I think it was something inside you. Maybe this is right where GOD wants you to be....CONTENT. We talked about how he has done everything he set out to accomplish and what a good life he has had. We ended our conversation there and agreed it was much to think about, but that we both felt so much better.
Earlier that night when talking with J's parents about everything, his dad asked, "Has he given all this over to GOD?" I did not know the answer to that. J and I discussed that question in the loft, and I told him how can you totally do that on your own? My best friend was asking our pastor where is the line between the time that I should be still believing for J's healing, and practically and emotionally preparing in case he doesn't get healed? Our pastor answered, "If Rem is believing for a specific outcome in this...that is not faith, it is fear. If she is putting her faith in GOD for His best, then that takes care of either outcome." I feel like I truly and finally, with GOD's thick grace, am okay with GOD's choosing in this. I know He is good, and I may still wonder why, but I don't think I will ever question that it was not His best for J and our lives. I was talking with a girlfriend tonight saying, "I know J will be healed of this...whether it be here or in Heaven. It is so hard to wrap your brain around how glorious Heaven is, when this life is all we know. But, if we REALLY believe what we believe, then we should all be envious that he gets to go now! When you really think about this life, yes there are good times and good things, but overall...it is hard. And, we just push through the hardness in between blessings. But, this is all we know." It is amazing to think of my husband not suffering anymore, and even if that means him not being with me and the kids...I can lay down my fears, wants and selfishness for his healing, peace and wholeness.
Today, J said, "I am okay. I am okay with everything. If GOD chooses to take me in my sleep...I am okay with that." I told him, "I think you are in the best place you can be. If GOD takes you are blessed, if GOD heals you, you are blessed. I think anything we do that is in the form of fighting will bring pain, so I think we are finally surrendered and giving GOD room to do what He wants to do here." I feel like I have a weirdly, strong peace now that I will be okay with whatever outcome. The other night, I was just resolved to being okay with not being okay. But, today my best friend said, "Seems like when our husbands come to a resolve, and we submit to it, GOD is pleased with that and He gives us peace." So, I guess this is what it feels like to be sitting in peace. To be fully okay with what is around the corner, and to know no matter what it is...it will be good.
"I close my eyes
And I'll drift away
To a place I remember
To a place I feel safe
Where it’s all right, and it’s okay
Cause I’m there in your arms
Where it's all right and it’s okay
Cause I’m there in your arms
You alone are God
I am yours and you're mine
And I know the heavens will call out your name
Yes I know the heavens will call out your name"
Team JIMSTRONG Match Fund Contributors
Diane Ueki
Joe & Kitty O'Reilly
Randy Ching
Scott & Jenny Drake & Family
Lauren, Jodi & Pat Shaw
Karen Phillips
"I'm desperately wanting
To just find a way
I'm searching and seeking
For someone to say
That it's all right
And it’s okay
Like I know you can
That it’s all right and it’s okay
Like I know you can
You alone are God
I am yours and you're mine
And I know the heavens will call out your name if I don't"
"You Alone" song by Echoing Angels
We have spent that last two days discussing the option of chemo, setting up Hospice, and getting our affairs in order. We sat in our loft last night talking about the kids, our lives and finances. J said that he was not ready to go yet. He just wished he could be of more use here than with GOD...then he asked, "Do you think GOD would take me because of that?" I emphatically and loving said, "Never. Think of the great martyrs who were taken. I think you would be a sacrifice for greater good. Think of parents who have lost children, but then many people come to know GOD or find healing or encouragement because of the testimony it brought. We don't know GOD's greatest plan for all this and how your life will be used." As my girlfriend has said..."We don't get to choose the way He brings glory to Himself." It is like an invisible ripple effect, where the movement is only evident in people's hearts, and the results are seen in the unfolding of blessed lives. J said he finally has everything he's wanted, a nice house, the greatest jobs, a perfect family, awesome truck, etc...and now he is leaving. I told, "But, a year ago that is not how you felt. You worked too hard, the house wasn't the way you wanted it....I don't think those things changed...I think it was something inside you. Maybe this is right where GOD wants you to be....CONTENT. We talked about how he has done everything he set out to accomplish and what a good life he has had. We ended our conversation there and agreed it was much to think about, but that we both felt so much better.
Earlier that night when talking with J's parents about everything, his dad asked, "Has he given all this over to GOD?" I did not know the answer to that. J and I discussed that question in the loft, and I told him how can you totally do that on your own? My best friend was asking our pastor where is the line between the time that I should be still believing for J's healing, and practically and emotionally preparing in case he doesn't get healed? Our pastor answered, "If Rem is believing for a specific outcome in this...that is not faith, it is fear. If she is putting her faith in GOD for His best, then that takes care of either outcome." I feel like I truly and finally, with GOD's thick grace, am okay with GOD's choosing in this. I know He is good, and I may still wonder why, but I don't think I will ever question that it was not His best for J and our lives. I was talking with a girlfriend tonight saying, "I know J will be healed of this...whether it be here or in Heaven. It is so hard to wrap your brain around how glorious Heaven is, when this life is all we know. But, if we REALLY believe what we believe, then we should all be envious that he gets to go now! When you really think about this life, yes there are good times and good things, but overall...it is hard. And, we just push through the hardness in between blessings. But, this is all we know." It is amazing to think of my husband not suffering anymore, and even if that means him not being with me and the kids...I can lay down my fears, wants and selfishness for his healing, peace and wholeness.
Today, J said, "I am okay. I am okay with everything. If GOD chooses to take me in my sleep...I am okay with that." I told him, "I think you are in the best place you can be. If GOD takes you are blessed, if GOD heals you, you are blessed. I think anything we do that is in the form of fighting will bring pain, so I think we are finally surrendered and giving GOD room to do what He wants to do here." I feel like I have a weirdly, strong peace now that I will be okay with whatever outcome. The other night, I was just resolved to being okay with not being okay. But, today my best friend said, "Seems like when our husbands come to a resolve, and we submit to it, GOD is pleased with that and He gives us peace." So, I guess this is what it feels like to be sitting in peace. To be fully okay with what is around the corner, and to know no matter what it is...it will be good.
"I close my eyes
And I'll drift away
To a place I remember
To a place I feel safe
Where it’s all right, and it’s okay
Cause I’m there in your arms
Where it's all right and it’s okay
Cause I’m there in your arms
You alone are God
I am yours and you're mine
And I know the heavens will call out your name
Yes I know the heavens will call out your name"
Team JIMSTRONG Match Fund Contributors
Diane Ueki
Joe & Kitty O'Reilly
Randy Ching
Scott & Jenny Drake & Family
Lauren, Jodi & Pat Shaw
Karen Phillips
posted by GODisgood at 3:26 AM
2 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
It seems that the Peace that surpasses all understanding is really with you. I am really thankful for that. Sending you both my prayers & hope from California.
much love,
Hillary
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