Connected

We had a family talk the other night with our kids. Our son, only three, saw we were visibly saddened but seemed unfazed. He just wiped my tears and when we said Daddy was going to Heaven he said, "He is? Wow!" We wanted to impress three things upon them during the talk. One, that none of this, in any way, was their fault. Daddy did not get sick due to anything they did, thought or may have said. The second was that J will always be their Daddy and will always love them. And, lastly, it is okay to be sad, angry, whatever and that we will be okay. Our daughter took it really hard. At first when she began crying she was trying to cover it up saying it was something else she was thinking about, but when she looked at my face with tears streaming down she exploded. J scooped her up and had her start breathing with him to calm her down. It was heartwrenching to know that she fully understood the gravity of our words. We told her that Daddy is going to Heaven, and she looked up and asked sobbing and barely getting her words out, "Is he coming back?" J and I could barely hold it together seeing the pain and heartbreak in her little, beautiful face. I immediately remembered the research I had done and said, "Not right now, baby. It is not right now, so you don't have to be scared. We are just talking now."

The next day, our daughter seemed to shy away from J, but I have been purposing to keep talking and processing with the kids, and especially our daughter. The days before the talk when we would mention Daddy, she would begin to tear up. One time she was eating honey toast and she said, "The honey is making my eyes water!" So, everytime after that when she started to cry she would say, "I am thinking about the honey again!" So, we knew we had to talk to her and let her know it was okay to cry and be sad about what was happening Daddy. I had talked with my girlfriend the other day and she told me she was up an entire night praying for us in and out of her sleep. She said one vision she had for us was a tree. The tree had one branch going off to the left, while the other branches remained on the opposite side. The Lord revealed to her that the one branch was J, and although he was going in a different direction he was still CONNECTED to the other branches through the tree. It was a beautiful and comforting to hear her explain. I shared this with our daughter, and I saw in her eyes that it "clicked", and she understood. I explained how her cousins live in Virginia, and even though they live in a different place, we are still CONNECTED because we are a family. And, even though Daddy is not going to live in our house anymore, we will still be a family and he will always be a big part of our lives. The other day, we went to a pottery cafe to make something special for our family. We had told the kids we were going to do this during our talk. We chose a big plate and placed our four hand prints in glaze together. We decorated the plate and wrote, "Always with Daddy." We told the kids that when we miss Daddy, we can put our hands on his hand...and know that we will always be CONNECTED as a family. Yesterday, I told our daughter that soon when Daddy goes to Heaven, he won't need his body here anymore. Some doctors will come and take his body away, but when he gets to Heaven he will get a new body and he won't have cancer anymore! Her eyes lit up in excitement, and it was then that I saw she understood the joy through the sorrow we are all experiencing. She has now been openly proccessing her emotions, as we are continue to talk, draw and question what is happening. She is no longer covering her tears with honey, and enjoying this precious time with her Daddy.

Hospice Hawaii also arranged for a artist to come and cast our hands with J for our kids and I. At first I was hesitant, not knowing how it would be, and J was in some pain when we did them, but I trusted that this was a good thing. And even when she was done, as amazing as they turned out, I had a hard time looking at them that day. But, now I am so grateful to have them. They are so life like and really capture the feeling of having J's hands holding ours and feeling CONNECTED. The artist said that the condition of the molds come out according to the relationship. She said J and mine came out "complicated", with bubbles and negative space that made it intriguing and beautiful. So true. With our son, they have a lot of energy and action in their relationship, so there were chucks that needed to be chipped away and bumps that needed to be smoothed out. But, with our daughter, their mold directly reflected their bond. Their hands came out smooth and flawless. They are just deeply CONNECTED and will forever be that way. When we were cleaning up, or rather when I was cleaning up and the kids were making a mess, I said, "Okay, it is going to be just the three of us, so we all have to help mommy and take care of each other." Our daughter quickly retorted, "No, it is the FOUR of us CONNECTED!" I apologized and agreed, continuing to wipe the floor with a humbled heart.



So, we have been enjoying good days as a family. J's pain med have been doubled, so he is more comfortable. He sleeps throughout the day, but when he is awake he is spending time engaging with all of us. His strength is still astounding, as he is still doing everything on his own. He is still able to go up and down our stairs, shower, etc...and especially having taken in so little by mouth for over awhile now. It is so junk to think at the end of your life you would want to be able to indulge and eat whatever you want, and especially since J was so diligent with his diet these past few months eating raw, but that is just not an option for him with the continuing blockage. But, I made him organic lime ice chips that he enjoys and sucks on cranberry flavored hard candies to keep his mouth moist. We had a pretty neat day yesterday when our son decided to start using the potty. He announced, "I am the daddy, and daddies don't wear diapers!" It was so exciting to see him running around in his new BVDs and the big boy looks he had after climbing off the toilet! I have been trying to bribe him for weeks to use the potty saying, "If you use the potty, I will buy you a monster truck!" Well, J had bought a dump truck for him long time ago, and when we was finished using the potty he received a brand new dump truck from his Daddy. It was a priceless day that J was so thankful he was there for.

It has been so nice to be sleeping next to J again at night. I was sleeping on the couch for months because he was so up and down all night, and I needed to be able to stay rested to continue to care for him and our kids. And, then before Hospice, and back when we were doing radation and chemo, I was sleeping at his feet on the floor to stay near him. But, it has been so nice to be back laying together holding hands in the dark just saying how much we love each other as we nod off. Early this morning at 345am, J was just completely awake. So, I offered to watch tv with him. It was fun as we snuggled on the couch, listening to the rain, and watching our favorite shows together. Enjoyable moments that make this time so precious to us and that we are so thankful for to have.

Team JIMSTRONG Match Fund Contributors

Steve & Shyrah Maurer
Charlyn Dote
Kendall Mau
Set & Jennie Chau
Carmine Artone