Celebration 4 J

I cannot put adequately into words the unfolding of the two days in celebrating J's life. We held the celebration service on J's 39th birthday, at the same place we got married, and GOD was in, over, through and all around every detail of the day. His Presence was gentle, great and glorious, and we were blessed to have been in the midst of His goodness being poured out. I felt like I was moving in His grace being able to read a final blog posting and dance for the celebration.

"Total Immersion"

"I was overwhelmed at the thought of standing here, not only for the reason that brought me here, but at the sheer thought of who I was going to be standing in front of. For the past eight months I blogged my postings to a faceless computer screen pouring out all our anguish, fears, pain and revelations of GOD's Love through this difficult journey. And, the response to what has been laid out there has been a tremendous impact on our lives. So, I decided to put my voice behind my words in this final blog to GOD and all of you. Being here, floods my heart with mixed emotions that strikes both happiness and loss. Ten and a half years ago, I was standing here in a white dress at the beginning of my marriage with J, and today I am in a white dress and my marriage is done.

The days after J left us were the most difficult I have every experienced in my life as the scents of his presence faded from our house, and I was left with nothing to feel close to him again. But, the other day was the first day I did not wish J to come back. And, to be brought to a place of being okay with knowing that he is gone is a gift. It became a gift because I can truly know he is in a place where coming back would take away from the perfection of where he is now. I truly believe J is gone. I don't think he is "watching over me and the kids" or that I can continue to have conversations with him...I just know he is not here anymore, and he has completely forgotten about us, this life and everything that was in it. And, that thought is by no means harsh, but he is in a place where he can finally have a limitless capacity to receive and give Love...and the limits of this world is where the pain of that lack exists. Towards the end, I told J, "You will forget about us. You won't even want to come back. It is like snorkeling in Ocean City and then surfing at Lani's on the North Shore. It can't compare, and you won't ever want to go back. And, that is a beautiful thing."

I have been alone in places before, but now when I driving the earth feels like there is an unspoken void. I just feel J's presence gone from here. J was the essence of a man. His presence was strong, and he needed no words to covey who he was. He had a complete love for the ocean that permeated into every aspect of his life. From small kid time, he had a passion for boats, the water and fishing which carried over even into his last days.

For the last seven and a half months J was unable to get back in the ocean. His life before the cancer was days upon days out on the water enjoying the sun, Pacific waters and all that Hawaii had to offer him. In the end, because J missed the ocean so much, his parents brought jugs of water from the beach for J to put his face in. No pain meds could have ever brought or given him that kind of physical comfort to his body and an unequaled peace to his mind at that point. As, he came up for air with his wet lashes, the weary calm on his face was like a thousand smiles being washed over him. J loved the ocean, and found his peace here in the Hawaiian waters. He came here, and knew this was home.

But, now in his ultimate Home, my soul is flooded with peace and joy knowing he is not just tasting the saltiness of the ocean water on his weary lips, but is in full body submersion, and that he is finally out of the suffering and the pain he endured for so long. For constant months, with no break, being totally immersed in the pain, work and defeat of the cancer to a total immersion into complete peace, love and freedom for J in Heaven in indescribable to think about.

And, now for the kids and me, we are in total immersion in GOD's grace for these moments. So, please do not feel sorry for us, we have a specific grace upon us carrying us through, that at times, is even unexplainable to us as we feel ourselves moving through it. We have been left with so many amazing memories, good days, just not enough years....but what we are left with is the core strength of who J was, and that has transferred over to us as a family still very much connected to him. I have learned that I am way more capable than I had ever dreamed. I have learned to not be overcome by adversity, to keep moving forward in weakness and inexperience, and fight for what you love most in this life...I have just learned to be less afraid and trust GOD more. And, not that I am the ultimate pupil in this plan, at the expense of my husband's life being sacrificed so that I can live less afraid, but just that GOD has brought, once again, goodness and growth out of an extraordinary circumstance.

The last morning before we heavily sedated J, he said he felt better and possibly thought he was healing. My heart sank deeply beneath my chest, looking at his weakened body, and not understanding where that thought was lying within him. But, our pastor told me later after J died that he must have felt the rush of the other side....that often patients close to death feel a little bit alive, feeling the life from the other side within them, as they move closer to Heaven. I think this was true for J that morning. In the evening after I has administered J's meds, he talked about the things he was going to miss. He said, "At least I am not thinking about food anymore." He smiled and talked about the things he had been planning to do in the future months...and the last thing he said before his words began fading was that what he was going to miss was the people. His last sentence was, "Community...we have built such a nice community..."

And, this is true. Through our journey we found ourselves in a total immersion in community. Truthfully, this blog started as a defense mechanism for us, so when we ran into people we did not have to keep updating individuals where we were at. But, as the months went on, and our journey became increasingly more and more difficult, we found ourselves comforted in the knowing that we were not isolated and drowning in our pain alone, but felt surrounded and held up knowing people were reading what we are going through and specifically praying for our needs and supporting us every step of the way. Just as J felt the "rush" from the other side in his body, he felt the rush of the love, support and prayers from all who have been journeying with us. Your presence was strongly felt as you all held us up and carried through...our hearts will forever hold an unpayable debt of love. But, the pay off has been that J left this world knowing how deeply loved he was by all of you and now he is in a place of total immersion of the ultimate love he was created to receive."

"Thinking Of Jim" Video (TURN VOLUME UP) www.studioredinc.com/Jim_Winand/Celebration_Video.html


"Goodbye J"

The next day at the scattering was incredible. There was a formal "Last Alarm" tribute to J for his work, dedication and service in the Honolulu Fire Department. It was difficult to be down at the station without him, yet I felt close to him there being in the familiar again, and surrounded by our "other family." When the Fireman's Prayer was read, the last line struck my heart to tears, "And if according to your will, I have to lose my life, please bless with your protecting hand, my children and my wife." Standing in front of the specific, uniformed firefighters who came to honor my husband was humbling and powerful. We felt how the department takes so seriously the loss of a one of its own: a firefighter, brother and friend. I felt J's crew immediately step in as husband and father to the kids and I as if J would have been doing that day. Then, the send off was amazing with all the men on the dock saluting us as we left on the fireboat to take J's ashes out to the ocean.



To be out in the middle of the ocean in all of GOD's amazing design, feeling his Greatness in the day, and saying goodbye to J was the most faithfilled thing I have ever done. We were in waters that were over 200+ feet deep and I had no fear and all praise in my heart as I sat on J's surfboard rejoicing in the day that his physical body was finally totally immersed in the ocean once again. The fireboat circled around us, with spinner dolphins following, creating rainbows that hung around and in our circle of friends. J worked in Hawaii Kai on the water since 1988, and all of the boats came out to honor his life on the water. The event was spectacular. A friend said after, "That was the connection of J's entire life...every boat and person out there for J." We had said afterwards that GOD completely unveiled His glory there in the deep, blue ocean, and we were all just privlidged to be in the water and watch the outpouring of His glory captivating us.



I could not have done this without the strong friends who just stepped up, gifting their time, talents and support carrying the celebration into existance.THANK YOU. It was an incredible two days...



Click here for a beautiful moving slideshow of the service and scattering by Derrek Miyahara, Island Digital Imaging. (Turn up the volume)


I will continue to post websites of pictures of the celebration as they come to me so please keep checking in the next weeks. For those of you who have been journeying with us, but were unable to make the two day celebration, we will have DVDs available for purchase and all proceeds will be given to The Lance Armstrong Foundation and The American Cancer Society.

This blog is now finished. I know many of you have asked me to keep going, but I am unable to at this time. Throughout the journey, J and I kept an ongoing conversation about how all of this will change our lives, and what kind of people we will become. I never thought at the end of this thing I would be having to figure it out alone, without him. So, this is a time for me and the kids to draw back, regain a private life, process, build and heal our new life without J. I am grateful this blog has been a vehicle to have had you all journey with us...THANK YOU seems to be the biggest words I can find in my heart, and yet...it will never be enough.