Christmas/New Year's Celebration
We finally got to celebrate Christmas yesterday morning. We said our kids will be all confused this year because later in the day was New Year's Eve. But, they were unfazed, and enjoyed the day thoroughly with bulldozers, fire trucks and princess paraphernalia strewed across our house. J and I did awake at midnight to watch the fireworks from our house. It was beautiful, loud and colorful. It looked like a thousand Disneylands spread across Hawaii Kai. We watched for about five minutes before both of us went back to sleep to the sound of popping, whizzing and whirling.
It feels like the holidays passed us by this year, and we didn't quite get to absorb the happiness that usually comes with it. We are both having a hard time, and it makes it harder when we are both feeling down or scared at the same time. We both tend to retract from each other, and coexist in our house through the pain and heaviness. We talked about it today. We are both afraid that his body won't make the turn to get better. We feel so pressured to make the deadline of the surgery, and the timeline set by the doctors. But, the doctors have been the ones who from day one told us, "You will breeze through this, Jim." This has been nothing close to a breeze, but rather an all out, knock down, Category 5 hurricane that came whipping through our lives destroying everything in its path...and our levies broke long ago flooding us with discouragement and fear.
I just broke tonight. J shared some things with me, and I just couldn't bear them. I think where we are at is so amazing in our marriage...the total and unhindered surrender towards each other. I mean, the whole first ten years of our marriage was about trying to give of ourselves wholly to each other, and knowing the other person is there to receive all of us, good or bad, the whole package. And, now that we are there, it only raises the stakes that this is the only person on the planet that I want to be with the rest of my life, and that may not be an option. I just couldn't bear the thought of that. I broke down on the phone with my best friend. I knew that she was the only person who totally gets me, and that she could bring me back from the pit of despair I was laying in. She just met me where I was at. I could barely speak in normal tones because I was crying so hard...I was almost squeaking my words out. Then, we had one of those glorious moments of laughter through tears, my favorite emotion. I had cried so hard, my nose was completely blocked solid, and I couldn't breathe. We laughed so hard, and I was instantly brought back. Thank GOD for girlfriends!
It feels like the holidays passed us by this year, and we didn't quite get to absorb the happiness that usually comes with it. We are both having a hard time, and it makes it harder when we are both feeling down or scared at the same time. We both tend to retract from each other, and coexist in our house through the pain and heaviness. We talked about it today. We are both afraid that his body won't make the turn to get better. We feel so pressured to make the deadline of the surgery, and the timeline set by the doctors. But, the doctors have been the ones who from day one told us, "You will breeze through this, Jim." This has been nothing close to a breeze, but rather an all out, knock down, Category 5 hurricane that came whipping through our lives destroying everything in its path...and our levies broke long ago flooding us with discouragement and fear.
I just broke tonight. J shared some things with me, and I just couldn't bear them. I think where we are at is so amazing in our marriage...the total and unhindered surrender towards each other. I mean, the whole first ten years of our marriage was about trying to give of ourselves wholly to each other, and knowing the other person is there to receive all of us, good or bad, the whole package. And, now that we are there, it only raises the stakes that this is the only person on the planet that I want to be with the rest of my life, and that may not be an option. I just couldn't bear the thought of that. I broke down on the phone with my best friend. I knew that she was the only person who totally gets me, and that she could bring me back from the pit of despair I was laying in. She just met me where I was at. I could barely speak in normal tones because I was crying so hard...I was almost squeaking my words out. Then, we had one of those glorious moments of laughter through tears, my favorite emotion. I had cried so hard, my nose was completely blocked solid, and I couldn't breathe. We laughed so hard, and I was instantly brought back. Thank GOD for girlfriends!
posted by GODisgood at 9:48 AM
4 Comments:
Jim and Rem,
I will pray for both of you to have renewed encouragement and hope for this season of your life. You are both an inspiration!
-Beth
happy new year's you guys!!! you are constantly in my heart and mind and i am praying for you all the time! i am praying that 2007 will bring an abundance of sunshine to your lives and a successful surgery in january as planned.
rem, thanks for keeping us informed. i check your blog almost every day and share it with friends here in the bay area so that we can all pray for you.
jim, you are an awesome, strong-willed, amazing, faithful person. your strength thru all of this inspires me, especially since i'm at high risk for colorectal cancer. i believe that you can overcome this...i believe God is allowing you to go thru this so that you will be able to help others with similar conditions. i hope that the full cirle moment (as oprah calls it) will come soon for you.
we are always thinking and praying for you,
ryan & chris
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You guys are amazing. Know that you are constantly in our prayers and that you are not alone. Most of us may not be able to say we know exactly what you are experiencing, but we can say that we are here to walk with you through it all. Please don't hesitate to ask for help--that's what we're here for!
Love Yo
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