A Gift

Today was a gift. For my thirty-second birthday, I felt GOD's presence again. Not that He had left us per se, but maybe just stepped back to observe us in the fog of our cirmcumstances. And, not to merely watch us suffer, but to see us in the dark moving in our faith. Like GOD as a lighthouse, we found ourselves standing still and finding the rhythm of the light circling around through the white, misty, cold air surrounding us. Fading in and out, beating to the rhythm...He is near, He has always been near. The fog of our harsh fears and pain has been diluted with hope just today, so that we could see the hint of early morning sun as we stand and wait for the healing to come.

Today, during J's treatment, I laid down to close my eyes for a bit. It was then that I felt GOD's presence come down and rest upon me again. It felt familiar and like He has never stepped away. He hugged me, and told me "Be still and know that I am..." His Presence felt like a thick blanket over my body as I lay there in fetal positon. J and I are pretty particular about our bedding, especially our blankets. We both do not like the decorative, puffy comforters that hover over us and don't really keep us warm because of the giant air pockets around our feet and body. Then, they end up sliding down through the night, and the majority of it ends up on the floor at the foot of the bed. So, to pull it up to your chin, you end up having to grab and haul the entire thing up the bed just for a few inches! So, we love the kind of blanket that when we crawl in under them, they enfold around us and hug our skin. GOD is like that kind of blanket. He is like a thick, chenille throw, woven in a warm, rich hue with flecks of iridescence in the threading. He embraces us, but not smothering or itchy. So, know that being up here in Texas, we feel very embraced, not only by GOD, but by everyone. We really can feel everyone supporting us right now in this place, and we are overwhelmed in gratitude. We are in a very safe and healing place. Dr. Tennant and the staff is incredible, to say the least. We can feel that in their professional and personal lives they are rooting for J to win this fight.

I apologize for the long silence and the standing blog. I did earnestly try to write before we left, but I just couldn't do it effectively. I realized that to blog, and in the way I do, it means I have to be present and working through everything we are feeling and living, and I couldn't do it until today. I basically had to shut down to get done all that we needed to do get us to Texas, and settle in here. Last Monday night, when we arrived in Texas, we broke down together again. It was midnight, and we freaked out again at how we got here. We were exhausted, so far from home, and really didn't know what we were going to be entering into the next day. I basically found myself begging J again to keep going..."Just don't give up tonight...not tonight...tomorrow will be better....that is what we came for." We honestly did not know that much about the details of the treatment before we came. It felt like when we got married. J and I met, and in a week we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. When we look back now, we know there was no way we could have not married each other. We know we could have chosen not to, but something inside us just "knew" this was right. Going to the Tennant Institute felt the same way. We knew there were so many different cancer treatment facilities out there, but we knew this was an open door for us to go through and find healing...and we have found it here. J has started receiving high doses of vitamin C through an IV, orally taking cesium, potassium, enzymes, minerals and silica, and is starting a liver, large intestine and gall bladder cleanse. J just started the cesium yesterday, and we are excited to see the effects. The cesium goes into the cancer cells and actually blows them up. The cesium is suppose to dissolve cancer pain after 48 hours of beginning the treatment. So, we are anxious to see if J's pain is actually from the cancer or the effects of the surgery. We didn't really know which one to hope for, but then we realized it is better that his pain is from the cancer because that is beatable now, rather than waiting to heal from the surgery. He did actually report on the daily evaluation that his pain decreased this morning from yesterday, so maybe the cesium has started to take effect.

We have had a wonderful day today, but last night J was really down. I was discouraged from consecutive days of not knowing what to say anymore and how to meet him where he was at. I, personally, had felt such a tremendous relief when we arrived here because I could literally hand him over to the Dr. Tennant for him to make all the decisions regarding J's health, and fully trust he will be taken care of. But, for J, being here has been harder for some reason. We honestly thought Texas was going to be better, but this past week, mentally, J seemed to have been spiraling downward. He just couldn't see himself healthy ever again. As I sat on the edge of the bed, totally at a loss for what to say, I got a mental picture of where he was at. I told him, "This is the end of the race, and you have been pushing and going 100% for so many months, but you have to keep going because we can see the end of the race now. It is like you are trying to get to the finish line, but the enemy is grabbing your ankles, pulling you backwards, not wanting you to win. The cancer is trying its hardest to keep a grip inside your body, and does not want to see you win this battle." Then, Disney Cars is the all time favorite movie in our household right now, I said, "Remember in the first race when Lighting McQueen has a blown out tire, and out of gas, but the finish line is just in front of him? He is scraping metal to inch forward, but to win he wills with all he's got to stick his tongue out to beat his opponents? That is all you have to do, just stick out your tongue and get to the finish line!" So, today J woke up with a difference in his whole demeanor. He was strong, present, and invested in his healing. I know we are still on a roller coaster with many difficult days ahead, but today was a gift that we were able to unwrap and enjoy.